I have had such a spiritual day its been quite exhuasting but amazing.... 24th Feb 08 Like every Sunday I goto church (unless im working). Church feels like home to me and I really cant wait to get there to just absorb more of God through scripture, peoples words and Worship... Today I was singing away worshipping God and in awe of him and we started singing Here I Am By Delirious "Majesty, Majesty Your grace has found me just as I am Empty handed, but alive in your hands Majesty, Majesty Forever I am changed by your love In the presence of your Majesty" At this point I just fell to my knees and starting praying to God.... My heart is open to you Lord, I am yours.... Open me up and purify me. Let your glory shine through me... I just stayed there in that moment with God and I was happy to be there just letting the song words sweep over me.. Thought nothing more.. Listened to the Word and then 1 of our elders spoke about the word. He said there are some of us who have heard from God about being ordinary but extrodinary in God and that we know who we are and need to come forward for prayer. Then he said about Healing as we are focussing on Mark so I stepped forward for prayer with that... Little did I know what I was bargining on with that... As soon as I stepped forward I had this overwhelming desire to cry . I was asked what it was about and I said and I was just held... Tears just flowed... I stayed there in the persons embrace for a good 3 - 4 minutes... Then they started to pray over me. She said to me I must speak about what God was putting on my heart but I said I couldnt hear him... She then lead me and said remember the time I closed the door on God and stepped away from him, from his word, from his church. I knew exactly what she was on about then... She said there is no shame .. Satan wants me to live in shame and that she prayed for this to be broken from me. She told me I had to say out aloud what the sin was . . I couldnt .. She asked me again to speak the words but I just couldnt. She then said Jesus says speak the words , so I did. I spoke about when I turned my back on him and shut the bible to his words he was desperatley trying to tell me . She then continued and her prayers got more intense.. Then she told me to say sorry . I couldnt speak again and then she said say sorry to Jesus , he was waiting for me. So I spoke out loud again and said I was sorry.... I was prayed about satan in me and any hold he has on me, for me to be free in the name of Jesus and that there was no place for him to hide. See this is what happens when you ask Jesus to open you up... So Be Warned :o) I was prayed over that Jesus puts his breath of life into me and after that prayer I suddenly struggled to breathe as if something was pushing down on my chest cos I mentioned it to my friend. Then the lady who prayed over me came over to me and asked if I was ok and I told her . She smiled and said thats because I prayed the breathe of Jesus to fill your lungs and they are trying to stay in me.. So she prayed again for release and now I feel alive again .. Came home fully immersed in God..... Spent some time with God then he showed me things in my home that should be removed immediately. He took me to my bedroom and I never released how much stuff I had in there that defiled Jesus.. So I put on worship music and suddenly I was going through my drawers and cupboards cleaning out of this paraphernalia. God has hit home to me big time and he has cleansed me BIG time and he keeps refining me and I just fall in love with him again and again. I feel alive and free in God but totally worn out with his spirit at work in me.. Praise God I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.

Gosh.... I never thought I would actually be back on this site again..... Everytime in the past when I had tried to put a post here the chuffing thing would freeze and wipe out my hard work .... So this post will be short and sweet for now to see if it actualyl makes it up there onto my site , before I start to tell you about my week.....

My heroes/villains are the notorious brothers Ron and Reg Kray, who dominated the East End of London in the 1940s. They created anarchy in their era. It has been suggested by different interpretations through the media, that the Krays were villains. The media had the power to influence the public at the time of their rein. The general public would have listened, read and cast aspersions, then become judge and jury. The Krays were infamous figures in society for decades because of the murders they had been linked to. Their controversy holds such a strong appeal to me and makes them interesting. The criminal activities that they were involved in drew me to them. What kind of people could actually take the law into their own hands and think that they could actually get away with it? I personally struggled with their reasoning behind their crimes because death is final..................................................................................................................................................................................................... It seems very contradictory. They believed it to be reasonable to take another man’s life for harming a woman because of their strong family beliefs, with to respect women and adoration of their mother, yet they pre determined the sentence for their victims; Jack the Hat and Richardson. I assume that they thought their crimes could be justified, but it still had the same outcome which was death. I had difficulties with their reasons behind their crimes because death is final.I guess it’s this that fascinated me. ..............................................................................................................................................................................................................I wanted to try and get into the minds of these two brothers. How can someone kill another person in cold blood and remain focused but completely detached? It’s a trait that I haven’t got and would think it would be hard to maintain a normal living existence .This misdemeanour would eat away at me and would send me over the edge. I would know who was responsible and living with that knowledge would destroy me as a person. How did they put it to the back of their minds and move on with everyday life? In certain aspects I can relate to the way they dealt with these crimes. Through out my life I have learnt to disassociate certain events in my life, which have been difficult to cope with, but nowhere near the to the level which they did.This is where the similarities of detachment occur .................................................................................................................................................................................................. When a sentence is past by a judge, I suppose you have something to strive for. In the case of the Krays, it made no difference in the long run .Promised release in 1999; it didn’t happen. Frustration and the feeling of being let down would have been some of the emotions I would have endured if I were placed in their shoes. Punishment had been served and the restriction to a “normal life” was soon to be relinquished. I’d imagine the anticipation of being released would have been immense. To be told by the courts your freedom had been delayed would be very soul destroying and would have been quite a fraught time emotionally. An extract from Reg Kray “I bear no malice or grudge against any of the police who arrested me or the judge who sentenced me. It was all part of their job. I do feel though that our sentences were too severe. ”..............................................................................................................................................................................................I personally think the law made an example of them for the second time around after their previous sentences. The crimes were committed, their time was served and the feelings of disappointment would be very strong. But still they battled on and held their heads high when they fought for justice and the right to be released. The sentence was served. 30 years, so they did the time that they were asked and more, so they had the basic human right to be freed. This in my eyes makes them heroes to some extent for not breaking down and being beaten by the system .They had continuous support which must have helped them through their darkest hours. To try and comprehend being bound by four walls is unimaginable........................................................................................................................................................................................There determination and staying power to walk as free men spurred them on. Would I have had the courage to keep fighting or would I let the situation devour my very existence? Their families stuck by them and this is a quality I would want to have with my family. No matter what, you stand by the people you love and this was shown with the support network the Krays had when they were in prison by their family and friends.I believe the Krays deserved life imprisonment for their crimes - I’m a strong believer in life for a life. They knew what the consequences would be so there should have been no surprise to the outcome.............................................................................................................................................................................................. My view, on who they are as people in their own right, has altered slightly. To keep the divide as great as it once was in the beginning is now faltering. I was convinced that the Krays were heroes and villains. As time has gone on, I’ve realised, that its clearer cut than I had originally perceived it to be. Slowly, digging deeper into their world, I have a clearer understanding, of the extent of their crimes and misdemeanours. Murder which they were convicted of, and the way the justice system had also treated them, by refusing their release. I do know that some of the situations shouldn’t have resulted in death. It does seem quite a harsh way to resolve a dispute between adults. The influences they have instilled upon me, as a person, is to stand up and be counted and to take responsibility for my own actions. Think carefully about the decisions you make in life. Some could change the course of the future. Their incarceration has also made me appreciate my freedom. To go where I want and live my life the way I feel is suitable. Their strength as people to see the sentence out and to fight in what they believed in, even if no one else around did, apart from family and friends. Everyone should believe in themselves and their own abilities .No matter how bad a situation is, there is always a way. Even though at that precise moment in time, you don’t think you can see a way through or feel like you want to give it up. The brothers didn’t when they had difficult times ahead, again with the release date. There life also showed me that the path of life doesn’t always run smooth but its how you handle the situation. Throughout their lives they proved to me that if you have the desire to succeed or see something through then it is always possible. Mistakes are made and judgement will happen eventually. In the words of Reg Kray “As human beings, we have all got our failings, and one day we will all be judged. I feel sure that I won't be lonely on my journey, wherever it may lead” All I can do is learn from them and move on.

She is running A hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction She is trying But the canyon's ever widening In the depths of her cold heart So she sets out on another misadventure just to find She's another two years older And she's three more steps behind Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see? Or does anybody even know she's going down today Under the shadow of our steeple With all the lost and lonely people Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see? She is yearning For shelter and affection That she never found at home She is searching For a hero to ride in To ride in and save the day And in walks her prince charming And he knows just what to say Momentary lapse of reason And she gives herself away Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see? Or does anybody even know she's going down today Under the shadow of our steeple With all the lost and lonely people Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see? If judgement looms under every steeple If lofty glances from lofty people Can't see past her scarlet letter And we never even met her If judgement looms under every steeple If lofty glances from lofty people Can't see past her scarlet letter And we never even met her Never even met her Does anybody hear her? Does anybody see? Or does anybody even knows she's going down today Under the shadow of our steeple With all the lost and lonely people Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me Does anybody hear her? Does anybody see? Does anybody even know she's going down today? Under the shadow of our steeple With all the lost and lonely people Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me Does anybody hear her? Does anybody see? He is running a hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction

The other night I watched the film Memoirs of a Geshia Girl ... My whole concept on them was totally misjudged and what I thought they were to what they actually are was the other ends of the field.....................................................................................................................................................................................................See I assumed they were "prostitues" and that the way they entertained was to attract male attention then to move onto the sexual part but this isnt the case at all..... The word consists of two kanji, 芸 (gei) meaning "art" and 者 (sha) meaning "person" or "doer." ............................................................................................................................................................................................Geisha originated as skilled professional entertainers; originally most were male. Geisha used their skills in traditional Japanese arts, music, dance, and storytelling. Town (machi) geisha worked freelance at parties outside the various pleasure quarters, while quarter (kuruwa) geisha entertained at parties within the pleasure quarters. As the artistic skills of high-ranking courtesans declined, the skills of the geisha, who were both male and female, became more in demand............................................................................................................................................................................................... Male geisha (sometimes known as hōkan) gradually began to decline, and by 1800 female geisha (originally known as onna geisha, literally "woman geisha") outnumbered them by three to one, and the term "geisha" came to be understood as referring to skilled female entertainers, as it does today................................................................................................................................................................................................ Traditionally, geisha began their training at a very young age. Some girls were sold to geisha houses as children, and began their training in various traditional arts almost immediately. During their childhood, geisha sometimes worked first as maids or assistants to experienced geisha, and then as apprentice geisha (maiko) during their training. This tradition of apprentice training exists as well in other traditions in Japan, when a student lives at the home of a master, starting out doing housework and assisting the master, and eventually becoming a master himself or herself. Contrary to some Western beliefs, geisha must not be exposed to any sexual activity................................................................................................................................................................................................Modern geisha still live in traditional geisha houses called okiya in areas called hanamachi (花街 "flower towns"), particularly during their apprenticeship, but many experienced geisha choose to live in their own apartments instead. The elegant, high-culture world that geisha are a part of is called karyūkai (花柳界 "the flower and willow world"..................................................................................................................................................................................................Geisha are often hired to attend parties and gatherings, traditionally at tea houses (茶屋, chaya) or at traditional Japanese restaurants (ryōtei). Their time is measured by the time it takes an incense stick to burn, and is called senkōdai (線香代, "incense stick fee") or gyokudai (玉代 "jewel fee")....................................................................................................................................................................................................This stems partly from confusion between geisha and the high-class courtesans called oiran. Oiran are very visually similar to geisha, including the white make-up and flamboyant kimono. An easy distinction between the two is that oiran, as prostitutes, tie their obi in the front, while geisha tie it in the back in the usual manner................................................................................................................................................................................................Geisha always wear kimono. Apprentice geisha wear highly colourful kimono with extravagant obi. Older geisha wear more subdued patterns and styles. A geisha is never to be seen in the same kimono more than once whilst entertaining. The colour, pattern, and style of kimono is also dependent on the season and the event the geisha is attending. In winter, geisha can be seen wearing a three-quarter length "overcoat" lined with hand painted silk over their kimono. Lined kimono are worn during colder seasons, and unlined kimono during the summer. A kimono can take from 2-3 years to complete, due to painting and embroidering. Geisha wear a flat-soled sandal, zori, outdoors, and wear only tabi (white split-toed socks) indoors. In inclement weather geisha wear raised wooden clogs, called geta. Maiko wear a special black lacquered wooden clog, okobo.................................................................................................................................................................................................. The hairstyles of geisha have varied through history. In the past, it has been common for women to wear their hair down in some periods, but up in others. During the 17th century, women began putting all their hair up again, and it is during this time that the traditional shimada hairstyle, a type of traditional chignon worn by most established geisha, developed. There are four major types of the shimada: the taka shimada, a high chignon usually worn by young, single women; the tsubushi shimada, a more flattened chignon generally worn by older women; the uiwata, a chignon that is usually bound up with a piece of colored cotton crepe; and a style that resembles a divided peach, which is worn only by maiko. This is sometimes called 'the Split Peach'................................................................................................................................................................................................. These hairstyles are decorated with elaborate haircombs and hairpins (kanzashi). In the seventeenth century and after the Meiji Restoration period, hair-combs were large and conspicuous, generally more ornate for higher-class women. Following the Meiji Restoration and into the modern era, smaller and less conspicuous hair-combs became more popular. Geisha were trained to sleep with their necks on small supports (takamakura), instead of pillows, so they could keep their hairstyle perfect. To reinforce this habit, their mentors would pour rice around the base of the support. If the geisha's head rolled off the support while they slept, rice would stick to her hair and face. The geisha would thus have to repeat the tiresome process of having her hair elaborately styled. Many modern geisha use wigs in their professional lives. They must be regularly tended by highly skilled artisans. Traditional hairstyling is a dying art................................................................................................................................................................................................... Today, the traditional make-up of the apprentice geisha is one of their most recognizable characteristics, though established geisha generally wear full white face makeup characteristic of maiko only during special performances. The traditional makeup of an apprentice geisha features a thick white base (originally made with lead) with red lipstick and red and black accents around the eyes and eyebrows.art........................................................................................................................................................................................ The application of makeup is hard to perfect and is a time consuming process. Makeup is applied before dressing to avoid dirtying the kimono. First, a wax or oil substance, called bintsuke-abura, is applied to the skin. Next, white powder is mixed with water into a paste and applied with a bamboo brush. The white makeup covers the face, neck, and chest, with two or three unwhitened areas (forming a "W" or "V" shape) left on the nape, to accentuate this traditionally erotic area, and a line of bare skin around the hairline, which creates the illusion of a mask.art.............................................................................................................................................................................................. After the foundation layer is applied, a sponge is patted all over the face, throat, chest and the nape and neck to remove excess moisture and to blend the foundation. Next the eyes and eyebrows are drawn in. Traditionally charcoal was used, but today modern cosmetics are used. The eyebrows and edges of the eyes are coloured black; a maiko also applies red around her eyes. The lips are filled in using a small brush. The colour comes in a small stick, which is melted in water. Crystallized sugar is then added to give the lips lustre. Rarely will a geisha color in both lips fully in the Western style, as white creates optical illusions. The lower lip is colored in partially and the upper lip left white for maiko, and newly full-fledged geisha will color in only the top lip fully. Most geisha wear the top lip colored in fully or stylized, and the bottom lip in a curved stripe that does not follow the shape of the lip.art.................................................................................................................................................................................................. Maiko who are in their first stage of training will sometimes color their teeth black for a short period of time. This practice used to be common among many different classes of women in Japan, but survives only in some districts, or even families. For the first three years, a maiko wears this heavy makeup almost constantly. During her initiation the maiko is helped with her makeup by either her "older sister" (an experienced geisha who is her mentor) or the "mother" of her geisha house. After this she applies the makeup herself.art............................................................................................................................................................................................ After a geisha has been working for three years, she changes her make-up to a more subdued style. The reason for this is that she has now become mature, and the simpler style shows her own natural beauty. For formal occasions the mature geisha will still apply white make-up. For geisha over thirty, the heavy white make-up is only worn during special dances which require her to wear make-up for her part.

As the world stares down into my jam jar where this helpless human being is struggling like a fly in a spiders web ….. Yeah ……… I’m still here………….. Not wiped myself off the face of the planet in a grand gesture of suicide … Or drink myself into oblivion and fallen into a darkened dream state .............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................Today has been a weird day from the sublime to the ridiculous.. But I’m still hanging in there, barely I might add… I have had more things to smile about though wooohoooo then to sit here crying into the palms of my hands asking God the most idiotic questions that were ever asked …. It has been a quite day, and more reflection has been done… More cobwebs wiped clean from the corners of my life allowing a little more light to shine in … See most of the time , I actually know the right thing to do but seem to hang in there to torture myself a little more .. Bit sadistic really, wouldn’t you say???? But I guess we are all guilty of it at some point in our lives….............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................The trouble is, I’m a person who desperately seeks the mechanics of how life works and need to know answers, but I think I have to hand that over now, as I tend to fall very short of the answers I require to fully comprehend what was going on at that time… I am quite a free and easy going person but some things just get under my skin… Frustrate me… Today though I have exonerated a lot of things and feel better for letting go, moving on, and allowing new things in my life …. Its amazing what a drink of Lucozade can do for your isn’t it!!!!! Today has been a new turning point in my life and something I have known for a while , I’m now going with the flow and this decision could change the rest of my life and if it’s the right thing to do , then I could be a very happy bunny ……. This is where I am drawing my strength from … There are some people in your life you have to cherish and never let go …. They know who they are and I wanna say Thank You for the last few days …. You have given me a purpose and without you, well…. I’m not too sure where things would have gone… To know you are cared for in such a way is something we all strive for... This is what has made me smile… U Give Me Hope 4 A Brighter Future............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................So there maybe a weak sign of me crawling out of my self indulgent, pitiful state, to actually push the windows open and feel that sunlight on my face… This is my journey and my life but you’re welcome to come along on it with me…. I have my map which gives me a rough reference guide to laugh LOL and a compass which is about as useful if your blind .... But here goes.....

I…………….. Am a lost soul …………. No need to panic though… There are thousands of us out there existing…. Living and breathing just like you.. We blend into the crowd on most days but occasionally we step out into our own … This is normally revealed when we are crying all day and every day and don’t know why… Or we are having suicidal tendencies but rest assured I’m not there yet… But any day seems like a good day!! Have totally irrational thoughts and behaviour patterns or as simple as being completely anti social…........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... But generally on the whole we keep all this to ourselves... We are fully aware that are life seems to be unimportant to us let alone the rest of the world… We do crave for attention, and we want to be noticed but not as a total mental patient… Just everyone believes that we have this compulsion to draw attention to ourselves by being unbelievably insane… Err WRONG!!!!! How many of us depressives out there go around blabbing to the human race that we are mentally unstable????.................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... See what you fail to understand is, this is our personal journey and even if you had a ticket for entry into the asylum I doubt you would even recognise the place actually belonged to me................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. See……………………………………… the one thing, people cant understand is , that a few pills, or a couple of chats to the local shrink, or even a cup of tea with gallons of sympathy, wont wipe this all from our hearts and minds and then with divine intervention as flashes of lightening strike the skyline and echoes of thunder collect all around us and suddenly our soul is restored back to its pure and virtuous self where everything is was within a solvable grasp…........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... See the thing is … And I hate to admit this, but it’s just not a fixable problem, you can supress it, you can even box it up for short periods…........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ Unfortunately you have to acknowledge the power of this demon that takes hold of you and NEVER let’s go… Don’t get me wrong, he loosens his grip once in a while and you feel freedom from that ever elusive hole you spiral into and feel empowered again, and confident that you CAN take on the world…............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ But …................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... And this is the clever thing…............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ When he wants to haul you back in again he pulls soo hard on your life that before you even notice your dragged back down to that no existence place where you feel alone and out of control with your life again…Sometimes you can noticeably feel the slide, as if someone has suddenly put an incline in your daily routine and you constantly struggle with the simplest of things. But we continue to battle in vain against the inevitable … So which one of us actually has the power???? Well it isn’t me I can assure you of that one….............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. Some low points in my life I have felt soo abandoned that the search parties can’t even be bothered to go looking for me anymore. My demons trample over everything that ever made sense and totally damage everything I believed in and understood.. I have spent years trying to convince myself that I am in control and that depression plays no part in my life but over recent times I have seen that once you have been there , you cant really escape as there are certain things that feed this demon and we just cant let go.. I have tired desperately to belong, to be loved, and be accepted and to be at peace but I don’t think all of this would make a difference anymore… I’m a kind hearted, intelligent, loyal, person to name a few attributes, who is clearly switched on and tuned in to the rest of the world and their on going battles but when it comes to me … I’m in complete darkness and forever searching for the light…. The trouble is the bloody light bulb was never there in the first place.............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. I look around me, and can’t really justify these emotions… Or can I ? Am I being selfish to feel so useless??? I have had many a schizophrenic moments, where I have been rationalising my choices, decisions, thoughts, and feelings to the point I just don’t know the answers anymore......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... I have come to the conclusion that life in general is fucked up and I’m just as fucked up as the next person , but actually accept it, where as others are trying to fight against their destiny’s…....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... See I could be like the rest of society and pigeon hole my behaviour.. I had this happen in my childhood, I was subjected to this in my adult hood but I cant go back and change it, I don’t want to relive the hurt or the anger, the sense of no self worth yadder yadder yadder cos somewhere buried in my darkest of cupboards, in the smallest of boxes, down the longest of winding pathways its there………..in my mind. I’m still unconsciously living it. Hour after hour, Day after day, week after week, and so on…................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ You never escape it; you just convince yourself you have. This is when you are fooled that you are no longer depressed... WAKE UP smell the coffee, you will always be depressed....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... I have come to this conclusion…. Its not so much the fact you are depressed , its more along the lines of how the hell do you deal with such emotions when they hit you head on or sometimes literally creep up on you, then knock you off your feet … Now some of us , opt for pills and potions to suppress these unwanted feelings.. I have done this, and for a while it helped to distance myself with the realities of my world, but the trouble is it never really goes away.. As soon as you step off that merry go round, your world is flung back into total chaos… On the other hand you can sit there off loading to a total stranger who has already convinced them selves you are a total whack job and is playing out in their own heads what they need to buy at the local supermarket for dinner that evening.. The don’t really give a shit how you feel, or if your going to kill yourself.. Personally I feel they would see it as 1 more fucked up individual off the face of the planet… Ding …. “next” as there is a insurmountable queue now forming and there are plenty of misfits out there to step into your shoes and pay their wages for another week.. ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... I on the other hand would prefer to be one of those people who REJECT HELP lol….. Well this is how certain individuals would classify me… Actually, I know there is nothing another human being can do for me….. There are certain things that can alleviate the pressures I may be suffering from but as for taking the problem away from me.. I’m sorry.. This little bastard has taken up permanent residency and will refuse to piss off …. So that’s that….. Spending time with me is an excellent way to make me feel a little less worthless… Talking to me as if I’m normal is great too and making me laugh. The little things soo many of us seem to take for granted is just enough. DON’T tell me I will bounce back because I don’t get a frigging choice in this because of my children and don’t even think about saying they need me because when your at your lowest ebb that really doesn’t come into it , as rational thoughts and feelings don’t figure… If I want to shout and scream, cry and be unreasonable then please, feel it in your heart to allow this behaviour as I will feel a smidge better for venting off. And if you are any way a friend then don’t say anything and ride with it, as you know this isn’t me, but that little demon out having a picnic on my soul… You know when I want my space because I will become agitated, and if I don’t answer your texts then you know I’m being totally anti social and inconsiderate to the rest of the worlds feelings by demanding some me time before I completely fall off my rocker… Please give me that space otherwise I can be a total bitch…. Anyway, my world is soo much safer and every imaginary friend knows me in there. We have an understanding lol… Unfortunately you need to have a degree in egg shell walking when I become this volatile….But generally most people understand me enough to know when to draw the line................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. I’m not saying my ideals on this are right, wrong or indifferent but what I can say is this is my personal experience… I feel very intelligent people suffer from this fate because to try and rationalise the entwined emotional mind state is like a rubix cube just you cant peel of the stickers to make the puzzle complete.. Can cheat at this game hehehe…......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... Life is very challenging and can be very derogatory at times.. Depression lives in all of us, just some of us can control it better than others or they don’t get hit with a high dosage of fucked up hormones lol but please, don’t be deceived by another persons viewpoint or appearance .. Not everything is what it seems in this world.. So cut people some slack on occasions and don’t expect all the answers to the questions........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ Right … That is my rant over and done with I think… I’m happy 80 % of the time in my life but occasionally I just lose grip of the realties in life… But don’t we all???? So dont condemn me to a mental institution just yet but judge me on my ability to stick with this crazy life and not to bail out when things get too tough ... Just remember there are soo many tourtured souls walking passed you every day... Empty hearts, vacant eyes, disillusioned souls... Drifting from one emotion to the other.... Sometimes just wanting the day to turn to night just to have the tranquility of the quiet , night sky and not to venture out for the whole world to see, but would prefer to dwell in the shadows for a time.. Im in that place now.......

Im sorry but this isnt even a nice blog entry today.............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. I have never felt soo alone......................... Abandoned......................... And invisible............................................................................................................................................................................................... Why is it that people totally mis judge you and this is the people who I valued the most in my life but now when things have a been a little difficult they seem to be soo flippant with thier advice and half hearted with thier interest with my well being..... I get accused of being stroppy when actually I feel soo low and desperate with my situation that it was a kick in the guts ... My sister doesnt give a shit if im dead or alive and has totally disregarded my feelings and that I might need some support... How selfish can you get??????? Certain people are even struggling with a simple text message........... I have always offered my support, been there in the capacity that I can do and some times its been limited but still there..............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................I guess when your life is going soo well why bloody bother with other peoples misfortunes.......

50 things you never knew about the London Underground:....................................................................................................................................................................................... There are only two tube stations which have all five vowels in them - Mansion House and South Ealing.................................................................................................................................................................................................. Considering there are 287 tube stations, things 1 and 2 are quite surprising............................................................................................................................................................................................. Chancery Lane has the shortest escalator on the system - 50 steps................................................................................................................................................................................................... Travelling on the tube for 40 minutes is the equivalent of smoking two cigarettes - so save yourself a packet, all you smokers and get on the tube more often................................................................................................................................................................................................... The shortest distance between tube stations is Leicester Square and Covent Garden on the Piccadilly line - 0.16 miles................................................................................................................................................................................................... The most popular route for tourists is Leicester Square to Covent Garden on the Piccadilly line. It is quicker to walk this distance than travel on the tube............................................................................................................................................................................................... The only tube station which shares the name of a well known pop group is All Saints (yeah I know it's on the Docklands Light Railway - but it's still on the tube map). ............................................................................................................................................................................................... The phrase "Mind the Gap"originated on the Northern line............................................................................................................................................................................................... The Jubilee line was originally going to be called the Fleet line............................................................................................................................................................................................... Northfields station on the Piccadilly line was the first to use kestrels and hawks to kill pigeons and stop them setting up homes in stations................................................................................................................................................................................................ The Central line covers the longest route - from West Ruislip to Epping you will travel 34 miles without changing.............................................................................................................................................................................................. The Waterloo and City line covers the shortest route - 2 kilometres, but considering it only covers two stations - Waterloo and Bank, it doesn't take Stephen Hawkins to work that one out............................................................................................................................................................................................... The oldest tube line in the world is the Metropolitan line. It opened on the 10th January 1863................................................................................................................................................................................................ Tube carriages originally had no windows and buttoned upholstery and were nicknamed "padded cells". No change there then................................................................................................................................................................................................ Men have to sit with their legs apart when travelling on the tube. This is due to special magnetic fibres on the upholstery of the seats which interacts with testosterone to provide an antimagnetic outward force................................................................................................................................................................................................ Julian Lloyd Webber was London Underground's first official busker - I didn't know he needed the money that badly................................................................................................................................................................................................ More of the London Underground is open than in a tunnel. Tell yourself this fact if you suffer from claustrophobia...................................................................................................................................................................................... Bank has more escalators than any other station on the tube - 15 plus two moving walkways - count em! ............................................................................................................................................................................................... Out of the 287 stations, only 29 are south of the river Thames............................................................................................................................................................................................... One of the female automated voice announcers is called Sonia - because her voice"gets on yer nerves"............................................................................................................................................................................................... Fish and Parcels is the slang name for the District Line. It should be Pony and Trap................................................................................................................................................................................................ Edward Johnston designed the font for the London Underground in 1916............................................................................................................................................................................................... The peak hour for tube suicides is 11am................................................................................................................................................................................................ The Jubilee Line Extension was the most expensive railway line ever built. It cost USD 330 million per kilometre. Shame they didn't make the platforms and the trains bigger though................................................................................................................................................................................................ All 409 escalators do the equivalent of two round the world trips every week................................................................................................................................................................................................ Amersham is not only the most westerly station on the tube it is also the highest - 150 metres above sea level................................................................................................................................................................................................ People were smaller when the carriages were built in the 1860's - which is one of the reasons why you'll find your journey so uncomfortable today................................................................................................................................................................................................ Harry Beck, designer of the tube map in 1933, was only paid five guineas for his original job. His design is still the basis of today's tube map................................................................................................................................................................................................ The first escalator was introduced at Earls Court in 1911................................................................................................................................................................................................ Gladstone and Dr Barnado were the only people to ever have their coffins transported by tube................................................................................................................................................................................................ Not only were the early escalators made of wood, but also the legs of the people who demonstrated them. Wooden legged Bumper Harris was employed to travel up and down the tube's first escalator to prove that it was safe................................................................................................................................................................................................ Angel has Western Europe's longest escalator - 318 steps................................................................................................................................................................................................ Mosquitoes that live in the underground have evolved into a completely different species, one that appears separated from the above ground mozzie by over a thousand years................................................................................................................................................................................................ Regent's Park, Piccadilly Circus, Hyde Park Corner and Bank are some of the few stations which do not have an above ground surface building................................................................................................................................................................................................ The air in the underground is on average 10°C hotter than the air on the surface................................................................................................................................................................................................ People who commit suicide by throwing themselves under tube are called "one-unders". In New York they are known as"track pizza". Choose your preference........................................................................................................................................................................................... Pigeons regularly travel from West Ham in east London to central London on the tube in order to get more food................................................................................................................................................................................................ The best places to spot mice running around the tracks of the underground are Waterloo station (northbound on the Bakerloo line) and any platform at Oxford Circus................................................................................................................................................................................................ Green grapes cause more accidents on the London Underground than banana skins................................................................................................................................................................................................ Anthea Turner and her sister Wendy have written a series of children's books about mice living on the London Underground. An estimated half a million mice live in the Underground system so that should keep them both busy for a while................................................................................................................................................................................................ Only one person was ever born in a tube carriage and her name is Thelma Ursula Beatrice Eleanor - check out her initials. She was born in 1924 on a Bakerloo line train at Elephant & Castle................................................................................................................................................................................................ The Gappe is a little known bird/bat like creature, which only tube announcers can see and we are often told to mind them................................................................................................................................................................................................ Victoria and King's Cross record the highest number of tube suicides each year. This isn't surprising as Victoria is the tube's busiest station with 85 million passengers each year and King's Cross has 70 million passengers each year................................................................................................................................................................................................ Aldwych station (now closed) is featured on level 12 in the Tomb Raider game with Lara Croft killing rats................................................................................................................................................................................................ Christopher Lee and Donald Pleasance starred in a 1970s horror film called Death Line (a.k.a Raw Meat), where man eating troglodytes terrorised people on the London Underground........................................................................................................................................................................................ The Cadbury's Whole Nut chocolate bar is the biggest seller in the chocolate machines at tube stations................................................................................................................................................................................................ A fragrance called "Madeleine" was introduced at St James Park, Euston and Piccadilly station in an effort to make the tube smell better on 23rd March 2001. It was taken out of action on 24th March 2001 as it was making people feel sick................................................................................................................................................................................................ The sexiest film scene featuring the London Underground is The Wings of the Dove. Helena Bonham Carter and Linus Roache travel in a 19th century carriage together, then get off and make love in a lift. Who said there's no romance on the tube? ............................................................................................................................................................................................... Speaking of doves, buskers cannot sing...............................................................................................................................................................................................

I had such a great day yesterday with my bro Neil in Windsor yesterday... I was out on a mission for a certain someone who is important to me cos you cant go letting down a 10 year old now can you .. That was my main task aswell as a little retail therapy too................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. Task was completed quite early on and I then we stumbled across this FuNkY but quaint little house further down the street.... It was situated just by the Registry office where Charles and Camilla were married this year..... The street was cobbled and kept its traditonal state which I love in towns . Interesting fact here..... If you ever go there have a look at the pillars right by the opening of the doors to the registry office.. They dont actually touch the ceiling of the building..... Strange huh ???? Well back in the day the architect wanted the pillars but they werent sure of about it so if at any time they wanted to remove them then they could becuase they werent concreted to the celing.............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................If you ever goto Windsor go here the food was fantastic and I will definitley go there again.... Staff were friendly and the whole atmosphere in this crooked house was cool.... I like things that are different and not run of the mill...

If a gun is pointing at your head think to yourself I wanna live not I dont wanna die...............

You cant chose them and if you could would you make better chioces than what you have already been blessed with..... I have now realised when I look at my collective , that the reasons I dont like some of them is simply because they remind me of things that I wouldnt tolerate in my life and thats why they nark me soo much ... But saying that at least I can look and them with the bits Im not so fond of and think thank God im not like that lol..... I must say though this is the family I dont get to choose lol.................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. Now my trinity which is my son and daughter , I wouldnt change them for the world.. I have learnt soo much from them especially over this summer break which is quite shocking really... I discovered that my son is more valuable than I actually gave him credit for . He is my ray of sunshine on my darkest days and he really does quite alot for me and when he went away I really appreciated him as a person in his own right... He has grown up a little more which is always a blessing to see them transform when there have been rough waters to sail in and nearly lost crew and ship on quite a few occassions... My daughter I have realised how strong willed and stoppy she really is , but then she is female and if she is like me very head strong and determined which is good but in used in the right way .. Very loving too.... Now if children cant teach you anything your obviously not paying much attention to what goes on in your life let alone in theirs , so why dont you stop for a while and step into thiers and see whats actually going on .. Dont get me wrong it will be like sticking your head out of a high speed train but the experience will only be short lived and you will being to grasp a few pieces you see even if you stick ya head back in and its all a blurr it will make sense... My children have taught me patience, obediance, love, forgiveness, humility, discipline, to name a few things ... Gosh its hard when you actually try and list everything lol.... .............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................Then you have the specials lol.... These are the people you chose to have in your world and they chose to accept that invitation ... I have 2 very special people who I class as family and see them as my brother and sister and wouldnt have it any other way . No matter whata differences we may share in the past , present and the future this will never change for me... I love them and respect them as if they are my own flesh and blood and this as far as im concerned enough and im not bothered what the rest of the world think. The are my conscious, my sanctuary when I need to hide, they are my good times and my bad more than my real family and as mastercard would say PRICELESS lol.... These are the family we all wish we couldbe born into but alas not all of us are that lucky... but still im not saying that the whole collective of my family arent worth it , just different characters like every single person walking but these are my chioces and im telling you , I made 2 fantastic ones............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... I believe family is important to be able to function the best we know how, in this crazi world... To give another person support and love is non negotiable.. This is the core foundation to the future of relationships with the rest of the world. I believe it doesnt matter what colour you are, what sexuality you are , as long as you can offer all this then you can do right by any one else who impacts your world.....Granted not all families are fully functional and ideal but you can learn from them that this isnt the right way to bring up yours. You have to remember there is ALWAYS a positive in EVERY day you live...... There is help you just have to stop being stubborn and reach out for it , even if it doesnt work , just give yourself that opportunity .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... Anyway , enjoy your family, make time for them and embrace each moment shared, no matter how frustrating they can be , or how demanding you have a vioce let it be heard but diplomatically lol......

Just an normal day........

You can tell its the 1st day back at school.... Suddenly the whole neighbourhood seems to be in total disarray with children running late for school, and the traffic is piled up along the roads and odd vioce raised in accordance of getting them out the soor and frog marched to school.............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................I am proud to say that you wouldnt of heard a raised voice in my household and that wasnt becuase I was still in bed counting sheep becasue I was actually fully functional despite the lack of value hours in bed... Everyone was running like clock work this morning. Everyone was up , breakfast was eaten, teeth brushed, lunch made , im still coming to terms with that my self lol, and out the door at the right time to arrive at school with time to spare..............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................Unfortunatley, my next door neighbours werent as successful as me this morning, and you could hear her bellowing out at her eldest becuase he has refused to get dressed... I must admit I never realised how awful it sounds when you shout as its like a caynon around here , and everything reverbrates around the few houses that are here... I did have a little chuckle to myself as she really couldnt keep them in line and i'm not sure if they actually made school on time...............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................Anyway , my misson was completed and armed with a Red Bull to get me through the morning, I decided not to sleep but to head off into town and do the dreaded Tescos shop unless you are like a certain someone I know you would relish it lol.... All done and dusted, pack up bought, cupboards stocked and me now knackered....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... Done some gardening, chatted for a bit and let the day roll on by lol........The its collection from the schpol gates and then the anarchy sets in... Homework is suddenly a monumental task, and its just not happening, they refuse help, they know best but still sitting there launching the pencil across the dinning room table, like missiles into space and this is the female species.... My son has gone AWOL to a certain degree even though I knew he would have a stop over at my mums for some sweet treats and cadged a dvd off of her lol... Cheeky Monkey hehehe............ Then the trinity emrges together and this can either work to full advantage or have catastrophic effects that could rock the whole entire universe.............................. As usual the 3 main forces clashed a little but there was little damage to the inner core.. You cant expect to travel through time without a little knock along the way and trust me in this family there are plenty of them ... But all in all a peaceful day in the galaxy , with very little atmospheric disturbances ..........

Have you ever heard of it???? I never had a clue this word existed till I watched a TV documentary about it a few weeks back............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... The word "polyamory" is based on the Greek and Latin for "many loves." A polyamorous relationship is a romantic relationship that involves more than two people............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ OK... Hold up a second.... Now this is where I struggle with the whole concept of these realationships..... Now call me old fashioned but arent you suppose to want to be with 1 person???? How can you possibley love more than 2 people other than family members ie children.......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... How could you function emotionally??? I mean , how would you know the feeling of love to which person and if that was love then surely it isnt that all comsuming amazing feeling you would get with 1 person as you cant love all of them the same...... So I guess what they are trying to say to the world is , I have got all the best bits from all these different people to combine into 1 complete ideal........... Well thats the way I see it..... Im not trying to say your way of life is wrong , what im trying to say is I truly dont understand the logic behind it.................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... So the ringleader who has all these lovers (and I will say its both sexes that participate in this type of relationship ) gets a good deal.. The funny thing is with all of this is that the main instigator to these relationships said it was hard to maintain them becasue he/she was worn out trying to please all the lovers.. No shit Sherlock......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... Now my question would be to the people who actually accept being partner no 1,2,3,4,5 etc....... How can you cope emotionally and mentally that your partner is sleeping with the others???? I would find that very difficult to accept or even consider that he would need to seek extra sexual liasions with another person and why I couldnt satisfy them enough .. I cant see this as a healthy enviroment to live in... When does it boarderline on abuse???? Is there a picking order??? How do you feel knowing they have been with someone else within an hour or so of coming to you... Dont you want to feel special ?? Or have a unquie bond with the person you love??? Surely you would want more out of your life................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. Now the ironic thing is with this whole polyamory relationship is that while theringleader of the lovers can sleep with all the lovers when he/she feels like it , the actual lovers themselves have to remain faithful.... Most relationships they dont allow them to go outside of the home to satisfy their needs... Ok... Great !!! Another strike agaisnt the lovers............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. But also these people truly believe that this isnt cheating.... They say that they are honest and up front about their desires and needs and that these people should be accepting of this ... But they way I see it is, if you h ave sexual contact with another person other than the intended party you have chosen to be with then that is cheating regardless if they know about it or not.. Maybe Im old fashioned here but if you chose that lifestyle then why commit to someone???.................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... Now to the outside world how is this percieved??? I personally think that a monogamous relationship regardless if its female/male male/male or female/female is the right way to go .... Yes there is the thought that its the way soicety asked us to behave but still seems the most beneifical way to run our stable relationship when you involve others............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. Then children............ How do they figure in this messed up world ...... How can this be a healthy enviroment for them to develop and form good strong relationships when there parent has more than 1 lover in the house. What excuses are made and how long can this pretence go on for???? Again never underestimate a childs perception of what they understand, see, and hear ... They're not as dumb as you may think............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... Legal status of polyamorous relationships Three or more people may form and share a relationship in most countries legally (subject sometimes to laws against homosexuality). But such laws do not usually permit marriage, nor do they give full legal protection to all partners equally, nor as strong protection (e.g., parental rights) as they do to married couples. They are considered no different than people who live together or date under other circumstances. Usually one couple, at most, can elect to be treated as "married" ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... I would love to hear everyones views on this subject afterall thats why I write alot of these things........ To spark an interest and to educate others with new things that I become aware of if I feel its interesting....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... So what do you think about Polymory.................

Today marks a profound, though bittersweet, milestone for all of us as we bear witness to both an end and a beginning.......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... And while we must continue on,we must also be grateful to have been blessed with someone who has so ably guided us to where we are today............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... When there has been so much love and happiness for someone it is natural to be reluctant to close such a wonderful chapter in our lives................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ For moving forward is rarely accomplished without considerable grief and sadness............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ And while our sorrow may be profound the clouds will clear and the sun will shine on us again.And in that warm, bright light we will find ourselves facing a glorious future.............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. A future of exciting challenges and infinite possibility in which the horizon will stretch out before us rimmed in the heavenly glow of the sunrise of our tomorrow..........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

On 5 June 1981, the first case study detailing an unusual cluster of pneumonia cases among gay men alerted the world to Aids. Here are some of the key dates in the history of the illness since then...................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1982 - Aids, Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome, is first used as a term...................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... The condition had earlier been known as Grid - Gay Related Immune Deficiency.............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. The first case of Aids is reported in Africa.................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1983 - The US Centers for Disease Control adds female partners to the list of groups at risk........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 1984 - HIV (human immunodeficiency virus) is isolated by Luc Montagnier of the Pasteur Institute in Paris and Robert Gallo of the US National Cancer Institute. 1985 - Hollywood star Rock Hudson is revealed to have Aids....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1987 - The UK government's "Don't Die of Ignorance" campaign is launched................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ Needle exchanges are first piloted in the UK......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... The first antiretroviral drug, AZT, is approved in the US....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... Pictures of Princess Diana holding the hand of a patient in an Aids ward are broadcast around the world..................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... HIV testing is introduced across the UK......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1988 - First World Aids Day....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1989 - The first HIV awareness materials targeted at gay men are produced by the Health Education Authority................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 1990 - The BBC soap opera Eastenders runs a storyline in which Mark Fowler, a major character, is found to be Hiv positive.............. raising awareness of the condition............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 1991 - Freddie Mercury, lead singer of Queen, dies of an Aids-related illness.................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... The Red Ribbon becomes the international symbol of HIV....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... The US Food and Drug Administration licences the first rapid HIV test....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... Ten million people around the world are HIV positive. Aids kills more men aged 25 to 44 than any other condition.............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 1995 - There is an outbreak of HIV among injecting drug users in Eastern Europe................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... The first combination therapy - HAART, (highly active antiretroviral therapy) is approved for use in the US........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 1996 - UNAIDS is established............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 1998 - Trials of a vaccine against HIV begin. .......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 2001 - Drug companies abandon their opposition to the generic production of antiretrovirals........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 2002 - The Global Fund for the fight against HIV/Aids, malaria and TB is set up. .......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... 2003 - Results of the first major HIV vaccine trial - Aids VAX - show promise. ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ 2005 - International leaders commit to universal access to treatment at the G8 Summit in Gleneagles. ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ About 1.3 million people in developing countries have access to treatment. ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. 2006 - About 38.6m people are estimated to be living with Aids worldwide. ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. Nearly 25 years after the first report of a handful of cases of a nameless deadly disease among gay men in New York and Los Angeles, there are still over 1 million persons living with HIV in the United States. About one-fourth of those with HIV have not yet been diagnosed and are unaware of their infection. The “new” syndrome discovered 25 years ago has become one of the deadliest epidemics in human history, killing more than 25 million people around the world, including more than 500,000 Americans. In the last decade, major advances in prevention and treatment for HIV/AIDS have prolonged and improved the lives of many, but despite extremely beneficial advances, the epidemic is far from over. An estimated 40,000 Americans still become infected with HIV every year, and many of these are young persons under the age of 25. African American men and women are among the hardest hit populations in the U.S. In 2004, they accounted for half of all new HIV diagnoses in this country and more than a third of AIDS deaths to date. African American men who have sex with men (MSM) are especially hard hit. Recent data show significant declines in HIV diagnoses in nearly every group of African Americans except black MSM. Women also remain a particularly vulnerable population, accounting for 29% of all HIV diagnoses in 2004. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ The inescapable truth is that, to defeat HIV and AIDS, we need to reduce the number of people who become infected in the first place. Twenty-five years since the onset of the epidemic, prevention is still the only “cure” we have for HIV/AIDS. A comprehensive approach must be used to prevent the further spread of HIV and AIDS. Comprehensive HIV prevention strategies include monitoring the epidemic to target prevention and care activities, researching the effectiveness of prevention methods, diffusing proven effective interventions, funding the implementation and evaluation of prevention efforts in high-risk communities, encouraging early diagnosis of HIV infection, and fostering linkages between prevention and treatment programs. Many governmental and non-governmental organizations at all levels collaborate to implement, evaluate, disseminate, and further develop and strengthen effective HIV prevention efforts nationwide.

I'm currently suffering from a headache, feeling very run down and could sleep the whole day and night and that still wouldnt be enough right now.... BUT it was my fathers birthday and my sister wanted to take him out but didnt have the money so I offered to pay now and wait for her to give me back the money... Everything was fine yesterday when we spoke , but today as usual without fail she has to try and out me down at every opportunity that pops up...... First of all I dressed up for the occasion adn was told I looked like a tart..... Excuse me , if your going out to dinner with your father you dont rough it you make some effort , or am I way off the mark here. Feel free to add you views they are most welcome. Then over dinner there was snipping remarks when I mentioned things.. I didnt get a thank you for tearing around town this afternoon for her wedding pics that she wanted , nor did I get a thank you for lending her the money.. What I did get was another comment about the money that Paul had it .. I thought that it would be a nice idea if Paul had half the money to give the impression we had both paid for the meal ... But even that was wrong.....I really thought she was mature enough not to keep with this constant whos better than each other shite but obviously I was wrong... My mum said that being the mature 1 I should ride above it. I did but still it shouldnt be happening.... *************************************************************************************************************************** Well all in all my dad had a good day out with us all and that was great.. After all it was his day .... I have always had a great relationship with my dad and over the last few years my relationship with my mum has also improved.. So all thats left to say is H.A.P.P.Y 64TH B.I.R.T.H.D.A.Y. D.A.D..... I love you loads xxxxxxxxxxxx

This time, This place Misused, Mistakes Too long, Too late Who was I to make you wait Just one chance Just one breath Just in case there's just one left 'Cause you know, you know, you know*************************************************************************************** [CHORUS] that I love you I have loved you all along And I miss you far away for far too long I keep dreaming you'll be with me and you'll never go Stop breathing if I don't see you anymore****************************************************************************************************************************************************************************** On my knees, I'll ask Last chance for one last dance Cause with you, I'd withstand All of hell to hold your hand I'd give it all I'd give for us Give anything but I won't give up Cause you know, you know, you know********************************************************************************************************************************************************************************* [CHORUS] So far away (So far away) far away for far too long So far away (So far away) far away for far too long But you know, you know, you know ************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************ that I wanted I wanted you to stay Cause I needed I need to hear you say: I love you (I love you) I have loved you all along And I forgive you (and I forgive you) For being away for far too long So keep breathing Cause I'm not leaving you anymore Believe it Hold on to me and never let me go Keep breathing Cause I'm not leaving you anymore Believe it Hold on to me and never let me go (Keep breathing) Hold on to me and never let me go (Keep breathing) Hold on to me and never let me go

Over the last few days I have been extremely refelective of things that have happened in my life over the last few months... There have people who have come into it, and disappeared as fast as they entered to the point they were boardering on a speeding fine... Some people have impacted my world without me really understand the full implications of them being here and then there are others that have well....... I dont really know lol........................................................................................................................................................................................................................ I have found out that certain people are manipulative and Im not a fool even though people think im slow but not saying alot shows intelligence .. Why cos Im observing what is going on around me . As I was once told a still tongue shows a wide head..... And its true... I have seen peoples colours come out in the wash which with some of them there was no suprises but there has been 1 or 2 who have blown me away in their own right................................................................................................................................................................................................ I wouldnt say I like to control my life but I would like to have some control over it but at the moment , I feel im emotionally being swept away with soo much stuff its not even funny.... Dont get me wrong , Im not unhappy or unbalanced, more taken aback that these things could happen to me.. I have become slightly more sheltered with my feelings but thats a good thing for me. Im to carefree with that side to me and have learnt recently that this gives the power to others to do as they please with you as they have the upper hand and ive decided that when its reciprocated then i'll open my book and they can flick through my pages.................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... I have new challenges in my life and that suits me to the ground. I like to keep pre occupied... I wish I could say that I had a love life but yet that still isnt happening , not for the want of it but I guess you have to accpet the envitable and maybe im there . There is so many words, that can be spoken and then actions need to be taken and when there is nothing then you have to ask yourself why ... If they cared and you were thier main thought of the day then they would want to spend that time with you . Its a matter of chioce. They choose not to call, they choose not email, they choose not to visit.. HELLO what does that say lol.... They can choose to make an excuse.....But hey , just keep doing my thing and see what comes about................................................................................................................................................................................................................ The gym is still going well and I think im beginnning to master it.. Im happy there and starting to meet people.. Even my personal trainer made a stupid remark to me the other day.. "Nice dress" Its like please mate.... I know what your thinking and yes I think your right , I look bloody amazing in this dress .... I have increased some of my workout just a smidge and dropped in other areas where I have been struggling with ... But all in all its good.. ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ My relationship in my household is improving and thats good.. The children are back in school next week and I think we are all looking forward to it... They tend to get bored and want to go back to have a gossip with thier friends....................................................................................................................................................................................Health is going ok , I think lol, just a few problems im having that im worried about but other than that im still breathing so in the terms of medical science im fully functioning to my full capacity ... Have had this stomach bug that has been floating around but hey if you lose a couple of pounds then it has to be good yeah !!!!!! JOKE lol............................................................................................................................................................................................ Off out tomorrow with my dad, sister n bro in law, and my children for his 64th birthday lol.... Taking him out for dinner . Im soo glad that my family ties are starting to settle after 15 years of rowing its finally coming together.. I love my sister more than anything and I guess time does settle arguments .. Im even inviting her around for dinner soon too... Just to posion her and get rid of her once and for all LOL... JOKE .... Nah family are important and thats something I have never forgotten and have strived to maintain that............................................................................................................................................................................................................................ Right I hope you have had a good weekend and things in your world are good too.....

I have decided that I need to document my achievements so they are going here instead.. This is a feel good factor for me so I can see what I have managed to learn, understand, accept or maintain in a week... ............................................................................................................................................................. So this week 1 - Wire a plug socket and Light switch 2- Do a BBQ for around 40 + guests 3- Stuck to my work out down the gym 4 - Spent time for me 5- Watched movies 6 - Now reading a book again !!!!!!

Ok here we go again lol… Last time I wrote this all out and then the pc crashed and lost all my creativity hehehe…..................................................................................................... .................................................................................... Right so as you can tell by the title of this blog it was my niece’s birthday on Saturday…. How in Gods creation my sister managed to have 2 beautiful girls on exactly the same day 2 years apart is beyond me …. But then knowing her anything is possible… ...................................................................................................................................... ................................................................................................................................. Anyway the days events as documented here …… I cant believe I got to the gym and did a full workout which im chuffed to bits on , then shot home and then bundled the children up to goto my sis’s to check what was needed so we didn’t panic later on .. Told the children not to kill one another whilst I left them in the car. Got me orders and off we went into town….. Children delegated to tasks to get this done in the quickest time as this wasn’t a luxury we had today … Mission accomplished in record time and back home to get ready…. .................................................................................................................................................................................................... Everything was going great until I sliced me chuffing finger and blood was everywhere … I had to shout my son who rushed in with his bloody army medical kit… Not quite sure what he thought I had done in the bathroom but he was prepared to amputate my finger…. After suppressing the bleeding and nearly turning my thumb blue we were ready to rock and roll…. All changed, smelling fresh and prepared for the task ahead…… ....................................................................................................................................................... THE 14TH AND 16TH BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR FLUFF AND LADY G !!!!!!!! Peace Out lol….............................................................................................................................................................. As we turned up , I drove across the green outside and parked up outside the house.. My children thought I was preparing for a bit of off roading and to pull a handbrake turn looked pretty inviting I choose not to tempt fate just incase I cruised into the neighbours hedge …. Car unloaded and automatic preparation mode kicked in….................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. Now anyone who knows me sis and moi know that we are like a typical married couple who know one another inside and out , but not literally ok otherwise that would be gross and I’m not into that kinda incest ok…. Just to clear that up … ewwww. I know how she likes to work and we manage to fit around one another and its well a well oiled machine. I don’t go in her space, she knows how I do things and its just great … We have a plan as Christina likes to work that way, I’m not like that at all, I just muddle through but we did everything methodically and the whole thing just pulled together, with no glitches, minimal stress and a good old giggle as we went along…...................... ............................................................................................................................................................................................................. The children were blowing up balloons, tying them together and decorating the house… The workers were in the kitchen when Lady G comes down having a crisis with her clothes.. “Its not working” and the hand gestures and we just stood there thinking 2 different things lol… Christina is thinking what isn’t working and I’m thinking , cripes what can I suggest to a 14 year old standing in front of me with green leggings on , a denim skirt and a white top… It was one of those moments, you had to tred carefully because you could get the “funny look” with a suggestion.. Thankfully it was sorted and she looked gorgeous ……................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... That mini episode was behind us, now it was time to get back to the job in hand.. Next minute Christina says to me I can’t concentrate with that type of music going on, can you sort it please with fluff… So I just asked her was this a wake we were preparing for or a party.. She answered in her typical fashion, just forward the tracks on… So I did.. Within 5 minutes she was in, and switching the tracks around.. Well mum wasn’t impressed and piped up that if she didn’t get some calmer music then this party won’t be happening. That is the edited version but I can say no swearing was involved here… .......................................................................................................................................................................................................... House looking snazzy, the front gate had the balloons tied up out side and then the garden was decked out in fairy lights. Now all that was left was the wood burner to be sorted out so off Fluff went to start this fire… Connor was dragged into this to dismember the wood that had built up in the garage to burn. Nothing like getting rid of all the crap lurking in the deepest darkest corners of the shed now is there lol… So there he was, armed with a saw to do his job… At this point it was time to get the BBQ ready… .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... Preparation had taken place and the moment of truth was slowly creeping up on me and I’m thinking if this goes completely wrong then these 40 + guests won’t be getting fed and its all down to me so like NO PRESSURE HERE lol…… I must admit I did say a little prayer to God ….. Lit the paper, put the kindling on and just waited …. Slowly the coals took after a little panicking and before I knew it the whole thing was roaring to go and every single piece of coal had turned white and the cooking begin…......................................................................................................................................................................................................................... ROCK ON !!!!!!!!!!!!! WhoooooHoooooo …….................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. I’m at this point VERY impressed with this BBQ and it just proved that women can achieve anything, if they put their minds to it…. Chicken was cooking, sausages were sizzling and things were just going grand…. OK there was the fact that at a few points I was totally chocked out with BBQ smoke and my mascara was running down my face to the point I looked like Marilyn Manson but hey, all part of the fun… I stunk like a kipper and there was no hope of attracting a date if I wanted to.. It got that smoky what with the wood burner and the BBQ I was engulfed in smoke , and was standing there in the midst of all this with a spatula in my hand , with a make shift apron on as If I was auditioning for Stars In Your Eyes but chef style lol….. I was beginning to wonder if this didn’t clear would someone send a search party to fetch me back … .................................................................................................................................................... ................. The camcorder was being used and moments were captured and the guests were arriving in a slow trickling pace. The food wasn’t burnt, and everything was going just right… Music pumping, teenagers hugging, continental kissing, flapping their hands when they greeted, exchanging of gifts and crazy dancing were all happening.. The house had such a good atmosphere and we were in the thick of it but it was fun….............................................................................................................................................................. Happy birthdays were sang to the girls, party poppers where shot in the air and by now the house looked a colourful mess..With bodies littered over the sofa, dancing, and nattering away in corners…................................................................................................ The whole evening was a total success, and the girls loved it which was the whole point of having this get together for them … Its good to see them smiling, and just being themselves… The world is such a darkened place and there was plenty of light that evening… Guests slowly filtered away and were gone by midnight… This left us adults sitting by the wood burner, having a giggle and chillin’…. All in all the whole day was an exhilarating rush but well worth it… The girls deserved it…

http://www.uefa.com/Competitions/UCL/index.html.................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. There are rumours that we have yet again got an easy into Europe........ But how can you justify that when the draw was done infront of millions lol.... Its just luck and there is nothing more you can say on the issue... Come on U Reds !!!!!!!!!!!!! Im serioulsy considering putting a bet on this competition now...

Yes you have got the title right... Yes I did endure this movie and I have to say begrudgly too .... My daughter has been raving on about this and I have thought to myself , yeah ok I will go and see it because I had promised her to go... The plot was looking as exciting as a wanting to pull your toe nails out with a razor.................................... ................................................................................................................... Oh gosh how sadistic does that sound lol..... ......................................................................................................................................................................... Anyway , there I am determined not to pay too much attention to this film even though the gorgeous Jesse Metcalfe was in it ... That was the only thing going for it , BUT Im regrettably going to admit lol, I loved the film.... ............................................................................................................................................................. This is a typical film where all the women out there , who have ever been played @ school with a guy who they fall deeply in love with ... Its very funny in places where they are totally obssessd with sending this guy on the biggest fall of his life but does it work ???? John Tucker , is the typical charmer , who knows what to say , when to say it and how to keep the girls wanting more..... Everyone wants him , even if they dont admit it , the geeks , the goths , the list is endless. Somewhere out there in the world they is a John Tucker everyone has fallen for... This film took me back to my time at school, and how we all conspired, bitched at and cried over this 1 person who we thought rocked our world and that we wouldnever recover from.... Now can you remember their name???? ........................................................................................................................................................................ But what you have to ask yourself is , no matter how much of a player he is , we still wait in line for our turn , so is he that way because he choses or because he can be????? .............................. ............................................................................................................... This was a good feel good film to go and see so I recommend it to everyone who has everbeen in love and wanted to get revenge. Live thier journey on how John Tucker Must Die !!!!!!!!!!!!!!