Character Cannot B Developed In Ease & Quiet.Only Through Experience Of Trial & Suffering Can The Soul B Strengthened

I have had such a spiritual day its been quite exhuasting but amazing.... 24th Feb 08 Like every Sunday I goto church (unless im working). Church feels like home to me and I really cant wait to get there to just absorb more of God through scripture, peoples words and Worship... Today I was singing away worshipping God and in awe of him and we started singing Here I Am By Delirious "Majesty, Majesty Your grace has found me just as I am Empty handed, but alive in your hands Majesty, Majesty Forever I am changed by your love In the presence of your Majesty" At this point I just fell to my knees and starting praying to God.... My heart is open to you Lord, I am yours.... Open me up and purify me. Let your glory shine through me... I just stayed there in that moment with God and I was happy to be there just letting the song words sweep over me.. Thought nothing more.. Listened to the Word and then 1 of our elders spoke about the word. He said there are some of us who have heard from God about being ordinary but extrodinary in God and that we know who we are and need to come forward for prayer. Then he said about Healing as we are focussing on Mark so I stepped forward for prayer with that... Little did I know what I was bargining on with that... As soon as I stepped forward I had this overwhelming desire to cry . I was asked what it was about and I said and I was just held... Tears just flowed... I stayed there in the persons embrace for a good 3 - 4 minutes... Then they started to pray over me. She said to me I must speak about what God was putting on my heart but I said I couldnt hear him... She then lead me and said remember the time I closed the door on God and stepped away from him, from his word, from his church. I knew exactly what she was on about then... She said there is no shame .. Satan wants me to live in shame and that she prayed for this to be broken from me. She told me I had to say out aloud what the sin was . . I couldnt .. She asked me again to speak the words but I just couldnt. She then said Jesus says speak the words , so I did. I spoke about when I turned my back on him and shut the bible to his words he was desperatley trying to tell me . She then continued and her prayers got more intense.. Then she told me to say sorry . I couldnt speak again and then she said say sorry to Jesus , he was waiting for me. So I spoke out loud again and said I was sorry.... I was prayed about satan in me and any hold he has on me, for me to be free in the name of Jesus and that there was no place for him to hide. See this is what happens when you ask Jesus to open you up... So Be Warned :o) I was prayed over that Jesus puts his breath of life into me and after that prayer I suddenly struggled to breathe as if something was pushing down on my chest cos I mentioned it to my friend. Then the lady who prayed over me came over to me and asked if I was ok and I told her . She smiled and said thats because I prayed the breathe of Jesus to fill your lungs and they are trying to stay in me.. So she prayed again for release and now I feel alive again .. Came home fully immersed in God..... Spent some time with God then he showed me things in my home that should be removed immediately. He took me to my bedroom and I never released how much stuff I had in there that defiled Jesus.. So I put on worship music and suddenly I was going through my drawers and cupboards cleaning out of this paraphernalia. God has hit home to me big time and he has cleansed me BIG time and he keeps refining me and I just fall in love with him again and again. I feel alive and free in God but totally worn out with his spirit at work in me.. Praise God I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.

Gosh.... I never thought I would actually be back on this site again..... Everytime in the past when I had tried to put a post here the chuffing thing would freeze and wipe out my hard work .... So this post will be short and sweet for now to see if it actualyl makes it up there onto my site , before I start to tell you about my week.....

My heroes/villains are the notorious brothers Ron and Reg Kray, who dominated the East End of London in the 1940s. They created anarchy in their era. It has been suggested by different interpretations through the media, that the Krays were villains. The media had the power to influence the public at the time of their rein. The general public would have listened, read and cast aspersions, then become judge and jury. The Krays were infamous figures in society for decades because of the murders they had been linked to. Their controversy holds such a strong appeal to me and makes them interesting. The criminal activities that they were involved in drew me to them. What kind of people could actually take the law into their own hands and think that they could actually get away with it? I personally struggled with their reasoning behind their crimes because death is final..................................................................................................................................................................................................... It seems very contradictory. They believed it to be reasonable to take another man’s life for harming a woman because of their strong family beliefs, with to respect women and adoration of their mother, yet they pre determined the sentence for their victims; Jack the Hat and Richardson. I assume that they thought their crimes could be justified, but it still had the same outcome which was death. I had difficulties with their reasons behind their crimes because death is final.I guess it’s this that fascinated me. ..............................................................................................................................................................................................................I wanted to try and get into the minds of these two brothers. How can someone kill another person in cold blood and remain focused but completely detached? It’s a trait that I haven’t got and would think it would be hard to maintain a normal living existence .This misdemeanour would eat away at me and would send me over the edge. I would know who was responsible and living with that knowledge would destroy me as a person. How did they put it to the back of their minds and move on with everyday life? In certain aspects I can relate to the way they dealt with these crimes. Through out my life I have learnt to disassociate certain events in my life, which have been difficult to cope with, but nowhere near the to the level which they did.This is where the similarities of detachment occur .................................................................................................................................................................................................. When a sentence is past by a judge, I suppose you have something to strive for. In the case of the Krays, it made no difference in the long run .Promised release in 1999; it didn’t happen. Frustration and the feeling of being let down would have been some of the emotions I would have endured if I were placed in their shoes. Punishment had been served and the restriction to a “normal life” was soon to be relinquished. I’d imagine the anticipation of being released would have been immense. To be told by the courts your freedom had been delayed would be very soul destroying and would have been quite a fraught time emotionally. An extract from Reg Kray “I bear no malice or grudge against any of the police who arrested me or the judge who sentenced me. It was all part of their job. I do feel though that our sentences were too severe. ”..............................................................................................................................................................................................I personally think the law made an example of them for the second time around after their previous sentences. The crimes were committed, their time was served and the feelings of disappointment would be very strong. But still they battled on and held their heads high when they fought for justice and the right to be released. The sentence was served. 30 years, so they did the time that they were asked and more, so they had the basic human right to be freed. This in my eyes makes them heroes to some extent for not breaking down and being beaten by the system .They had continuous support which must have helped them through their darkest hours. To try and comprehend being bound by four walls is unimaginable........................................................................................................................................................................................There determination and staying power to walk as free men spurred them on. Would I have had the courage to keep fighting or would I let the situation devour my very existence? Their families stuck by them and this is a quality I would want to have with my family. No matter what, you stand by the people you love and this was shown with the support network the Krays had when they were in prison by their family and friends.I believe the Krays deserved life imprisonment for their crimes - I’m a strong believer in life for a life. They knew what the consequences would be so there should have been no surprise to the outcome.............................................................................................................................................................................................. My view, on who they are as people in their own right, has altered slightly. To keep the divide as great as it once was in the beginning is now faltering. I was convinced that the Krays were heroes and villains. As time has gone on, I’ve realised, that its clearer cut than I had originally perceived it to be. Slowly, digging deeper into their world, I have a clearer understanding, of the extent of their crimes and misdemeanours. Murder which they were convicted of, and the way the justice system had also treated them, by refusing their release. I do know that some of the situations shouldn’t have resulted in death. It does seem quite a harsh way to resolve a dispute between adults. The influences they have instilled upon me, as a person, is to stand up and be counted and to take responsibility for my own actions. Think carefully about the decisions you make in life. Some could change the course of the future. Their incarceration has also made me appreciate my freedom. To go where I want and live my life the way I feel is suitable. Their strength as people to see the sentence out and to fight in what they believed in, even if no one else around did, apart from family and friends. Everyone should believe in themselves and their own abilities .No matter how bad a situation is, there is always a way. Even though at that precise moment in time, you don’t think you can see a way through or feel like you want to give it up. The brothers didn’t when they had difficult times ahead, again with the release date. There life also showed me that the path of life doesn’t always run smooth but its how you handle the situation. Throughout their lives they proved to me that if you have the desire to succeed or see something through then it is always possible. Mistakes are made and judgement will happen eventually. In the words of Reg Kray “As human beings, we have all got our failings, and one day we will all be judged. I feel sure that I won't be lonely on my journey, wherever it may lead” All I can do is learn from them and move on.

She is running A hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction She is trying But the canyon's ever widening In the depths of her cold heart So she sets out on another misadventure just to find She's another two years older And she's three more steps behind Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see? Or does anybody even know she's going down today Under the shadow of our steeple With all the lost and lonely people Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see? She is yearning For shelter and affection That she never found at home She is searching For a hero to ride in To ride in and save the day And in walks her prince charming And he knows just what to say Momentary lapse of reason And she gives herself away Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see? Or does anybody even know she's going down today Under the shadow of our steeple With all the lost and lonely people Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see? If judgement looms under every steeple If lofty glances from lofty people Can't see past her scarlet letter And we never even met her If judgement looms under every steeple If lofty glances from lofty people Can't see past her scarlet letter And we never even met her Never even met her Does anybody hear her? Does anybody see? Or does anybody even knows she's going down today Under the shadow of our steeple With all the lost and lonely people Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me Does anybody hear her? Does anybody see? Does anybody even know she's going down today? Under the shadow of our steeple With all the lost and lonely people Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me Does anybody hear her? Does anybody see? He is running a hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction

The other night I watched the film Memoirs of a Geshia Girl ... My whole concept on them was totally misjudged and what I thought they were to what they actually are was the other ends of the field.....................................................................................................................................................................................................See I assumed they were "prostitues" and that the way they entertained was to attract male attention then to move onto the sexual part but this isnt the case at all..... The word consists of two kanji, 芸 (gei) meaning "art" and 者 (sha) meaning "person" or "doer." ............................................................................................................................................................................................Geisha originated as skilled professional entertainers; originally most were male. Geisha used their skills in traditional Japanese arts, music, dance, and storytelling. Town (machi) geisha worked freelance at parties outside the various pleasure quarters, while quarter (kuruwa) geisha entertained at parties within the pleasure quarters. As the artistic skills of high-ranking courtesans declined, the skills of the geisha, who were both male and female, became more in demand............................................................................................................................................................................................... Male geisha (sometimes known as hōkan) gradually began to decline, and by 1800 female geisha (originally known as onna geisha, literally "woman geisha") outnumbered them by three to one, and the term "geisha" came to be understood as referring to skilled female entertainers, as it does today................................................................................................................................................................................................ Traditionally, geisha began their training at a very young age. Some girls were sold to geisha houses as children, and began their training in various traditional arts almost immediately. During their childhood, geisha sometimes worked first as maids or assistants to experienced geisha, and then as apprentice geisha (maiko) during their training. This tradition of apprentice training exists as well in other traditions in Japan, when a student lives at the home of a master, starting out doing housework and assisting the master, and eventually becoming a master himself or herself. Contrary to some Western beliefs, geisha must not be exposed to any sexual activity................................................................................................................................................................................................Modern geisha still live in traditional geisha houses called okiya in areas called hanamachi (花街 "flower towns"), particularly during their apprenticeship, but many experienced geisha choose to live in their own apartments instead. The elegant, high-culture world that geisha are a part of is called karyūkai (花柳界 "the flower and willow world"..................................................................................................................................................................................................Geisha are often hired to attend parties and gatherings, traditionally at tea houses (茶屋, chaya) or at traditional Japanese restaurants (ryōtei). Their time is measured by the time it takes an incense stick to burn, and is called senkōdai (線香代, "incense stick fee") or gyokudai (玉代 "jewel fee")....................................................................................................................................................................................................This stems partly from confusion between geisha and the high-class courtesans called oiran. Oiran are very visually similar to geisha, including the white make-up and flamboyant kimono. An easy distinction between the two is that oiran, as prostitutes, tie their obi in the front, while geisha tie it in the back in the usual manner................................................................................................................................................................................................Geisha always wear kimono. Apprentice geisha wear highly colourful kimono with extravagant obi. Older geisha wear more subdued patterns and styles. A geisha is never to be seen in the same kimono more than once whilst entertaining. The colour, pattern, and style of kimono is also dependent on the season and the event the geisha is attending. In winter, geisha can be seen wearing a three-quarter length "overcoat" lined with hand painted silk over their kimono. Lined kimono are worn during colder seasons, and unlined kimono during the summer. A kimono can take from 2-3 years to complete, due to painting and embroidering. Geisha wear a flat-soled sandal, zori, outdoors, and wear only tabi (white split-toed socks) indoors. In inclement weather geisha wear raised wooden clogs, called geta. Maiko wear a special black lacquered wooden clog, okobo.................................................................................................................................................................................................. The hairstyles of geisha have varied through history. In the past, it has been common for women to wear their hair down in some periods, but up in others. During the 17th century, women began putting all their hair up again, and it is during this time that the traditional shimada hairstyle, a type of traditional chignon worn by most established geisha, developed. There are four major types of the shimada: the taka shimada, a high chignon usually worn by young, single women; the tsubushi shimada, a more flattened chignon generally worn by older women; the uiwata, a chignon that is usually bound up with a piece of colored cotton crepe; and a style that resembles a divided peach, which is worn only by maiko. This is sometimes called 'the Split Peach'................................................................................................................................................................................................. These hairstyles are decorated with elaborate haircombs and hairpins (kanzashi). In the seventeenth century and after the Meiji Restoration period, hair-combs were large and conspicuous, generally more ornate for higher-class women. Following the Meiji Restoration and into the modern era, smaller and less conspicuous hair-combs became more popular. Geisha were trained to sleep with their necks on small supports (takamakura), instead of pillows, so they could keep their hairstyle perfect. To reinforce this habit, their mentors would pour rice around the base of the support. If the geisha's head rolled off the support while they slept, rice would stick to her hair and face. The geisha would thus have to repeat the tiresome process of having her hair elaborately styled. Many modern geisha use wigs in their professional lives. They must be regularly tended by highly skilled artisans. Traditional hairstyling is a dying art................................................................................................................................................................................................... Today, the traditional make-up of the apprentice geisha is one of their most recognizable characteristics, though established geisha generally wear full white face makeup characteristic of maiko only during special performances. The traditional makeup of an apprentice geisha features a thick white base (originally made with lead) with red lipstick and red and black accents around the eyes and eyebrows.art........................................................................................................................................................................................ The application of makeup is hard to perfect and is a time consuming process. Makeup is applied before dressing to avoid dirtying the kimono. First, a wax or oil substance, called bintsuke-abura, is applied to the skin. Next, white powder is mixed with water into a paste and applied with a bamboo brush. The white makeup covers the face, neck, and chest, with two or three unwhitened areas (forming a "W" or "V" shape) left on the nape, to accentuate this traditionally erotic area, and a line of bare skin around the hairline, which creates the illusion of a mask.art.............................................................................................................................................................................................. After the foundation layer is applied, a sponge is patted all over the face, throat, chest and the nape and neck to remove excess moisture and to blend the foundation. Next the eyes and eyebrows are drawn in. Traditionally charcoal was used, but today modern cosmetics are used. The eyebrows and edges of the eyes are coloured black; a maiko also applies red around her eyes. The lips are filled in using a small brush. The colour comes in a small stick, which is melted in water. Crystallized sugar is then added to give the lips lustre. Rarely will a geisha color in both lips fully in the Western style, as white creates optical illusions. The lower lip is colored in partially and the upper lip left white for maiko, and newly full-fledged geisha will color in only the top lip fully. Most geisha wear the top lip colored in fully or stylized, and the bottom lip in a curved stripe that does not follow the shape of the lip.art.................................................................................................................................................................................................. Maiko who are in their first stage of training will sometimes color their teeth black for a short period of time. This practice used to be common among many different classes of women in Japan, but survives only in some districts, or even families. For the first three years, a maiko wears this heavy makeup almost constantly. During her initiation the maiko is helped with her makeup by either her "older sister" (an experienced geisha who is her mentor) or the "mother" of her geisha house. After this she applies the makeup herself.art............................................................................................................................................................................................ After a geisha has been working for three years, she changes her make-up to a more subdued style. The reason for this is that she has now become mature, and the simpler style shows her own natural beauty. For formal occasions the mature geisha will still apply white make-up. For geisha over thirty, the heavy white make-up is only worn during special dances which require her to wear make-up for her part.

As the world stares down into my jam jar where this helpless human being is struggling like a fly in a spiders web ….. Yeah ……… I’m still here………….. Not wiped myself off the face of the planet in a grand gesture of suicide … Or drink myself into oblivion and fallen into a darkened dream state .............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................Today has been a weird day from the sublime to the ridiculous.. But I’m still hanging in there, barely I might add… I have had more things to smile about though wooohoooo then to sit here crying into the palms of my hands asking God the most idiotic questions that were ever asked …. It has been a quite day, and more reflection has been done… More cobwebs wiped clean from the corners of my life allowing a little more light to shine in … See most of the time , I actually know the right thing to do but seem to hang in there to torture myself a little more .. Bit sadistic really, wouldn’t you say???? But I guess we are all guilty of it at some point in our lives….............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................The trouble is, I’m a person who desperately seeks the mechanics of how life works and need to know answers, but I think I have to hand that over now, as I tend to fall very short of the answers I require to fully comprehend what was going on at that time… I am quite a free and easy going person but some things just get under my skin… Frustrate me… Today though I have exonerated a lot of things and feel better for letting go, moving on, and allowing new things in my life …. Its amazing what a drink of Lucozade can do for your isn’t it!!!!! Today has been a new turning point in my life and something I have known for a while , I’m now going with the flow and this decision could change the rest of my life and if it’s the right thing to do , then I could be a very happy bunny ……. This is where I am drawing my strength from … There are some people in your life you have to cherish and never let go …. They know who they are and I wanna say Thank You for the last few days …. You have given me a purpose and without you, well…. I’m not too sure where things would have gone… To know you are cared for in such a way is something we all strive for... This is what has made me smile… U Give Me Hope 4 A Brighter Future............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................So there maybe a weak sign of me crawling out of my self indulgent, pitiful state, to actually push the windows open and feel that sunlight on my face… This is my journey and my life but you’re welcome to come along on it with me…. I have my map which gives me a rough reference guide to laugh LOL and a compass which is about as useful if your blind .... But here goes.....

I…………….. Am a lost soul …………. No need to panic though… There are thousands of us out there existing…. Living and breathing just like you.. We blend into the crowd on most days but occasionally we step out into our own … This is normally revealed when we are crying all day and every day and don’t know why… Or we are having suicidal tendencies but rest assured I’m not there yet… But any day seems like a good day!! Have totally irrational thoughts and behaviour patterns or as simple as being completely anti social…........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... But generally on the whole we keep all this to ourselves... We are fully aware that are life seems to be unimportant to us let alone the rest of the world… We do crave for attention, and we want to be noticed but not as a total mental patient… Just everyone believes that we have this compulsion to draw attention to ourselves by being unbelievably insane… Err WRONG!!!!! How many of us depressives out there go around blabbing to the human race that we are mentally unstable????.................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... See what you fail to understand is, this is our personal journey and even if you had a ticket for entry into the asylum I doubt you would even recognise the place actually belonged to me................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. See……………………………………… the one thing, people cant understand is , that a few pills, or a couple of chats to the local shrink, or even a cup of tea with gallons of sympathy, wont wipe this all from our hearts and minds and then with divine intervention as flashes of lightening strike the skyline and echoes of thunder collect all around us and suddenly our soul is restored back to its pure and virtuous self where everything is was within a solvable grasp…........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... See the thing is … And I hate to admit this, but it’s just not a fixable problem, you can supress it, you can even box it up for short periods…........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ Unfortunately you have to acknowledge the power of this demon that takes hold of you and NEVER let’s go… Don’t get me wrong, he loosens his grip once in a while and you feel freedom from that ever elusive hole you spiral into and feel empowered again, and confident that you CAN take on the world…............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ But …................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... And this is the clever thing…............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ When he wants to haul you back in again he pulls soo hard on your life that before you even notice your dragged back down to that no existence place where you feel alone and out of control with your life again…Sometimes you can noticeably feel the slide, as if someone has suddenly put an incline in your daily routine and you constantly struggle with the simplest of things. But we continue to battle in vain against the inevitable … So which one of us actually has the power???? Well it isn’t me I can assure you of that one….............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. Some low points in my life I have felt soo abandoned that the search parties can’t even be bothered to go looking for me anymore. My demons trample over everything that ever made sense and totally damage everything I believed in and understood.. I have spent years trying to convince myself that I am in control and that depression plays no part in my life but over recent times I have seen that once you have been there , you cant really escape as there are certain things that feed this demon and we just cant let go.. I have tired desperately to belong, to be loved, and be accepted and to be at peace but I don’t think all of this would make a difference anymore… I’m a kind hearted, intelligent, loyal, person to name a few attributes, who is clearly switched on and tuned in to the rest of the world and their on going battles but when it comes to me … I’m in complete darkness and forever searching for the light…. The trouble is the bloody light bulb was never there in the first place.............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. I look around me, and can’t really justify these emotions… Or can I ? Am I being selfish to feel so useless??? I have had many a schizophrenic moments, where I have been rationalising my choices, decisions, thoughts, and feelings to the point I just don’t know the answers anymore......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... I have come to the conclusion that life in general is fucked up and I’m just as fucked up as the next person , but actually accept it, where as others are trying to fight against their destiny’s…....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... See I could be like the rest of society and pigeon hole my behaviour.. I had this happen in my childhood, I was subjected to this in my adult hood but I cant go back and change it, I don’t want to relive the hurt or the anger, the sense of no self worth yadder yadder yadder cos somewhere buried in my darkest of cupboards, in the smallest of boxes, down the longest of winding pathways its there………..in my mind. I’m still unconsciously living it. Hour after hour, Day after day, week after week, and so on…................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ You never escape it; you just convince yourself you have. This is when you are fooled that you are no longer depressed... WAKE UP smell the coffee, you will always be depressed....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... I have come to this conclusion…. Its not so much the fact you are depressed , its more along the lines of how the hell do you deal with such emotions when they hit you head on or sometimes literally creep up on you, then knock you off your feet … Now some of us , opt for pills and potions to suppress these unwanted feelings.. I have done this, and for a while it helped to distance myself with the realities of my world, but the trouble is it never really goes away.. As soon as you step off that merry go round, your world is flung back into total chaos… On the other hand you can sit there off loading to a total stranger who has already convinced them selves you are a total whack job and is playing out in their own heads what they need to buy at the local supermarket for dinner that evening.. The don’t really give a shit how you feel, or if your going to kill yourself.. Personally I feel they would see it as 1 more fucked up individual off the face of the planet… Ding …. “next” as there is a insurmountable queue now forming and there are plenty of misfits out there to step into your shoes and pay their wages for another week.. ........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... I on the other hand would prefer to be one of those people who REJECT HELP lol….. Well this is how certain individuals would classify me… Actually, I know there is nothing another human being can do for me….. There are certain things that can alleviate the pressures I may be suffering from but as for taking the problem away from me.. I’m sorry.. This little bastard has taken up permanent residency and will refuse to piss off …. So that’s that….. Spending time with me is an excellent way to make me feel a little less worthless… Talking to me as if I’m normal is great too and making me laugh. The little things soo many of us seem to take for granted is just enough. DON’T tell me I will bounce back because I don’t get a frigging choice in this because of my children and don’t even think about saying they need me because when your at your lowest ebb that really doesn’t come into it , as rational thoughts and feelings don’t figure… If I want to shout and scream, cry and be unreasonable then please, feel it in your heart to allow this behaviour as I will feel a smidge better for venting off. And if you are any way a friend then don’t say anything and ride with it, as you know this isn’t me, but that little demon out having a picnic on my soul… You know when I want my space because I will become agitated, and if I don’t answer your texts then you know I’m being totally anti social and inconsiderate to the rest of the worlds feelings by demanding some me time before I completely fall off my rocker… Please give me that space otherwise I can be a total bitch…. Anyway, my world is soo much safer and every imaginary friend knows me in there. We have an understanding lol… Unfortunately you need to have a degree in egg shell walking when I become this volatile….But generally most people understand me enough to know when to draw the line................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. I’m not saying my ideals on this are right, wrong or indifferent but what I can say is this is my personal experience… I feel very intelligent people suffer from this fate because to try and rationalise the entwined emotional mind state is like a rubix cube just you cant peel of the stickers to make the puzzle complete.. Can cheat at this game hehehe…......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... Life is very challenging and can be very derogatory at times.. Depression lives in all of us, just some of us can control it better than others or they don’t get hit with a high dosage of fucked up hormones lol but please, don’t be deceived by another persons viewpoint or appearance .. Not everything is what it seems in this world.. So cut people some slack on occasions and don’t expect all the answers to the questions........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ Right … That is my rant over and done with I think… I’m happy 80 % of the time in my life but occasionally I just lose grip of the realties in life… But don’t we all???? So dont condemn me to a mental institution just yet but judge me on my ability to stick with this crazy life and not to bail out when things get too tough ... Just remember there are soo many tourtured souls walking passed you every day... Empty hearts, vacant eyes, disillusioned souls... Drifting from one emotion to the other.... Sometimes just wanting the day to turn to night just to have the tranquility of the quiet , night sky and not to venture out for the whole world to see, but would prefer to dwell in the shadows for a time.. Im in that place now.......

Im sorry but this isnt even a nice blog entry today.............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. I have never felt soo alone......................... Abandoned......................... And invisible............................................................................................................................................................................................... Why is it that people totally mis judge you and this is the people who I valued the most in my life but now when things have a been a little difficult they seem to be soo flippant with thier advice and half hearted with thier interest with my well being..... I get accused of being stroppy when actually I feel soo low and desperate with my situation that it was a kick in the guts ... My sister doesnt give a shit if im dead or alive and has totally disregarded my feelings and that I might need some support... How selfish can you get??????? Certain people are even struggling with a simple text message........... I have always offered my support, been there in the capacity that I can do and some times its been limited but still there..............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................I guess when your life is going soo well why bloody bother with other peoples misfortunes.......

50 things you never knew about the London Underground:....................................................................................................................................................................................... There are only two tube stations which have all five vowels in them - Mansion House and South Ealing.................................................................................................................................................................................................. Considering there are 287 tube stations, things 1 and 2 are quite surprising............................................................................................................................................................................................. Chancery Lane has the shortest escalator on the system - 50 steps................................................................................................................................................................................................... Travelling on the tube for 40 minutes is the equivalent of smoking two cigarettes - so save yourself a packet, all you smokers and get on the tube more often................................................................................................................................................................................................... The shortest distance between tube stations is Leicester Square and Covent Garden on the Piccadilly line - 0.16 miles................................................................................................................................................................................................... The most popular route for tourists is Leicester Square to Covent Garden on the Piccadilly line. It is quicker to walk this distance than travel on the tube............................................................................................................................................................................................... The only tube station which shares the name of a well known pop group is All Saints (yeah I know it's on the Docklands Light Railway - but it's still on the tube map). .............................................................................................................................